Friday, May 25, 2012

Reconnect and Recharge

So I can be a bit of a see-saw when it comes to my general opinion of "people."  Some days I feel all doom and gloom and decide that humanity has gone downhill, and there is no hope other than Jesus showing up to wipe everything out and start over (or whatever the plan is).  Dramatic, huh?  It's usually when it feels like everyone is cutting me off while I am out and about, or someone bumps into me and doesn't say "excuse me"...those sorts of things.  Forget about watching or reading the news...all they report is the negative, so of course I walk away feeling hopeless and afraid!  Then there are days when I see people doing wonderful, selfless things for others and my faith in humankind is restored.  A stranger will make eye contact, smile, and say "hi."  That makes my day!

When I take stock of my life I would say that overall I am definitely a people person.  From the time I was little I loved visiting with anyone and everyone...though, there was something extra special about older/elderly people.  I could sit forever and listen to stories about the "good old days."  When my family lived in New York, around my Dad's huge Italian family, we had big, loud, festive gatherings - especially around holidays - and that is when I was in my glory.  Then we moved to Vermont, where my mom is from...more good times with a large family, just a little quieter.  I am quite a bit younger than most of my cousins on my mom's side, so it was always fun to tag along with them, have them take care of me, ride in their cars, have sleep-overs at their houses.  Then when they had kids, more excitement.  Good times!

I had good friends at school, Brownies, gymnastics...BEST friends at dance, etc.  After moving from New York living in the "middle of nowhere" wasn't exactly ideal for my social side, but getting into dance really saved me in that sense.

Then I went to college!  'Nuff said.  Pure joy, pure happiness.  That is when I really started living the philosophy "I will talk to anyone."  Just ask my best friends...we couldn't make a simple trip to the dining hall without me talking to every cleaning person and cafeteria staff member on the way.  (Let me just point out that it is a quality I grew up loathing about my father...you couldn't go anywhere with him without it taking quadruple the time it should have for the same reason.)  I just found people and their unique stories so interesting.  I saw beauty and value in so many new and exciting faces.  I have to admit that my college experience was way more about the socializing than the academics.  Oh well.  Going back I wouldn't change a thing, because everything has ended up just fine for me.  I would say that if I could go back knowing what I know now, I would be a little more focused and driven as far as the school work.  On the other hand, I did focus on the most important part...people.  When I leave this world my GPA really won't matter, or the jobs I had or didn’t have, but the memories and beloved friends are forever.

After graduating (very sad for me) my hope was to find a job that had something to do with journalism or publishing.  Um...I soon realized (especially after moving to N.Y.C.) that I couldn't live on the salary or take the time to climb that very steep ladder.  First, I unexpectedly ended up working in career development at Tuck (Dartmouth's MBA school).  BEST.JOB.EVER!  My co-workers were wonderful, and I adored the students.  Every year a new group of highly intelligent, interesting, warm students - with a new set of life stories - came in.  People talk about Tuck as a utopia...it kind of is.  It is a very special place.  (Not to mention I met my husband there!)  After that I moved to N.Y.C. and Boston, and had two recruiting positions at two consulting firms.  They were also good jobs, with fun opportunities, and I made great friends from both.  There was one skill that was crucial for all of the jobs I have ever had - you had to really be a people person.

Then fast-forward to motherhood.  It was truly the only position I ever wanted in life, and I knew that from very early on.  I knew I wanted to stay at home with my children if I could.  When you are going into it you never know what to expect.  Becoming a parent means you have to let go of having control of your life.  My son was born with jaundice and then began to lose weight at an alarming rate.  He was so lethargic that he simply could not stay awake to eat.  I was determined to breast feed, so it was all on me.  It was the most stressful time of my life.  Learning he had reflux four months into it...and then at the six month mark figuring out that he couldn't tolerate my eating dairy or soy...brought some improvement, but feedings still took a minimum of an hour each.  My days were spent sitting, feeding, sitting, feeding, sitting, feeding.  I was fine with it, giving my all (and then some) to my child.  Showering was a luxury.  Slowly but surely any personal identity or contact with the outside world slipped away.  Despite words of warning and advice I was head-down, determined to do the best thing for my child no matter what.  Blinders went on to the rest of the world.  I kept dangling a carrot in front of myself thinking, "This will get better soon, and then I will make time to see someone or talk to a friend."  I did that for almost two years.  By that point I forgot I was a people person.  I had gone so far in the opposite direction of what was natural for me, and that was my new norm.

It took my getting sick to realize that I had deprived myself of something that brought me joy, something I needed to thrive.  I also realized that this was not the first time that something like this had happened in my life.  It made me so aware of how much we need each other in life.  As much as we might tell ourselves "I am fine, I don't need anyone," it's simply not true.  We all draw off from one another.  It makes sense that babies who no one pays attention to or holds can actually die.  We NEED each other.  We need validation, we need to know we matter.  We need to be seen, really seen...and listened to and really heard.  Most of all we need to feel loved.

It is easy to let time get away from us, and our busy lives can prevent even our best of intentions from happening.  As I have carved time out to chat with people on Facebook, or send a “hi” via e-mail, I have felt more and more like my "old" self.  I am happy to say that just this week I have reconnected with four special people in my life.  Two were by computer, and two were by phone.  And as I wrote about last night, I made a new connection this week.  Each exchange fed my soul.  It made me feel like I was living meaningfully.  That spark of what it is all about grew inside of me.  I feel it boosting my healing and bringing me great joy and peace.

No matter what you tell yourself, you are needed, too.  Some of us have a hard time feeling good about ourselves, but reaching out to others can remind us that we have great value…that we bring something special to the table.  It is important to nurture and cultivate these connections to make us feel alive.  Do not neglect them or let them wither away.  Finding people who really "get" you, and you have a strong connection with, is a precious gift.  It is the very thing that can get you through the hard times.  It will recharge you for whatever is to come.  Then your inner flame will be fed so your light can shine the way it was meant to!

Want to feel better?  Reach out to an old friend or loved one today!

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