ForGIVEness

I desperately tried to get this one up over the last couple of nights, but between the fact that I gave up my computer for Lent (with the exception of a little time at night) and church this week, I am way behind!  Plus, I found I had so much to say that I just got overwhelmed!  I hope this all comes together for you and is helpful.  I think it is an extremely important one…maybe the most important one I will write!

ForGIVEness (Intended for Wednesday, 4/4)
To set the tone I just have to start with what I think is one of the most beautiful quotes.  I have recently heard it used many times on the new Oprah network.  I never grow tired of hearing it, and I happily reflect on it at length.  "Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." - Mark Twain.  Think about that for a bit, come back to it often...

Every single book I have read lately mentions forgiveness.  The major one being The Bible.  As a Christian, this week reminds me of the ultimate sacrifice made for my total and complete forgiveness.  If you turn the television on to any self-help-themed show you will hear "forgiveness" mentioned at some point.  From what I understand it is the key to health and happiness.  If you really listen it makes complete sense...if you hold on to any sort of negative emotion it is bound to do damage.  It is like any wound that does not heal properly.

The first, and most important, part of forgiveness is forgiving yourself.  The past is the past.  You can't change it, no matter how much you dwell on it.  You can only face it, allow yourself to process it, and then move on.  Not so simple, I know.  We cause ourselves unnecessary pain by being too hard on ourselves.  Cut yourself some slack.  We all are human and learning as we go.  Keep in mind that most "mistakes" are essential for our learning and growth.  Self-forgiveness drives healing and wellness in your mind, body, and soul.  Very important!

Once you have worked on forgiving yourself you can move on to forgiving others.  I know this can seem extremely difficult, but it doesn't have to be so.  Maybe framing it this way will help...  Think about the word forGIVE.  It is actually the act of giving yourself a gift, because it sets YOU free.  Oprah recently told a story from her past where she was holding a grudge against an old friend, and it was causing her to have negative thoughts and feelings.  Then one day she happened to see her former friend in the distance, walking down the sidewalk, laughing, heading into a high-end store for some shopping, and she realized that her anger was only hurting herself.  Her old friend seemed to be doing just fine.  Sometimes we convince ourselves that our grudge is somehow punishing the other person, when the truth is that most of the time they have moved on, and we are really just punishing ourselves by living in the past and not being completely present in our own lives.  Just ask yourself what good it is doing you to continue having bad feelings toward another?  In actuality it is just taking you down.

As Joan Borysenko brilliantly puts it in her book, "The Power of the Mind to Heal," "Prior to forgiveness, we are indeed bound to the object of our hate.  Resentment occupies our thoughts and poisons our body/mind.  It is a powerful adversary that keeps us from being fully present in the moment.  As long as we are shackled by hatred or judgement, we cannot claim the power of our mind to heal.  We are prisoners of the past."  She also paints a wonderful picture when referencing Buddha, "The Buddha compared anger to a hot coal that we pick up, intending to throw at someone else, only to be burned ourselves."  Just remember that when your energy is being used to be angry, sad, or afraid, there is less room for happiness, hope, joy, and love, and it compromises our ability to be our best selves.

Sometimes the pain people cause us is not tied to one action, one comment.  Sometimes you need to forgive people for not being what you wanted or needed them to be.  Louise Hay talks about this, too.  This is especially important if you hold a grudge against one or both of your parents.  Some people truly do the best they can with where they have come from.  In Oprah's episode of "Master Class" with Jane Fonda, Jane talked about how hard it was growing up having the mother she did.  Her mother spent a lot of time closed in her room, with the curtains drawn.  She eventually ended up in a mental facility.  One day she showed up with a nurse to pick-up some things, and she called upstairs to Jane and her bother who were playing jax, but neither of them answered or went downstairs.  One of the things her mother had secretly retrieved that day was a razor, which she later killed herself with.  As you can imagine Jane spent a lot of time battling many emotions.  She ended up requesting her mother’s documents, and one day those records arrived.  Jane sat down to look at them…  “Sexual abuse,” they read over and over.  It all clicked, it all made sense…  She was able to process and forgive on so many levels.  She had a piece, an answer, to why her life was the way it was.  She is one of many who suggest getting the complete backstory of your parents’ lives.  It can create a higher understanding and a greater love as well.

So now what?  The first step is feeling that you are willing to forgive.  There are lots of “exercises” you can try ranging from visualizing (eyes closed, peaceful, relaxed environment) the exact moment of hurt, freezing the scene, crumpling it up, and throwing it away.  You can also take a piece of paper and list all of the people you feel hurt by/have a grudge against.  Then next to each one write what you learned and/or how you grew from it.  If you want to take it one step further, write something positive about each person, or something good you hope for their lives.  Then release it.  Let it go.  Another one of my favorites for “getting rid” of anything that is weighing you down is writing your issue on a balloon and releasing it into the sky.  You can also put the balloon on the wall and throw a dart at it.  It is up to you how you dissolve it.

I know we frequently get caught up in thinking that forgiveness means condoning what someone else has done to us, or like it is letting them “off the hook” easily, but I hope this post helps you realize that forgiveness is actually for YOU!  It is freeing, and it is healing…for you, for relationships, for the world.  I will leave you with a wonderful quote from “A Course In Miracles”: “The holiest ground is where an ancient hatred has become a present love.”